my phone needs a breathalizer
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
