Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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