What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
