My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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