You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
