Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
