Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
