She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
