hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
