i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
