2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
