i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
