Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
