Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
