i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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