Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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