this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
