I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
