What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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