Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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