I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
