It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
