I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
