i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't turn off my feet"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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