I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
All the doctor said was why
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
