the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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