did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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