you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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