I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
