He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
