Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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