i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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