i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
