so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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