the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
