I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
