does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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