Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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