So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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