Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
