the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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