I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
