So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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