I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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