shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
