6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
