Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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