so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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