my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
