i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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