If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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